just as long as the walls match the cats

i realize many days i am sounding more and more like a cold-hearted bitch, but there it is. i have reached the point in my life where people's opinions just don't matter that much to me anymore. i just have to be honest. i am getting so sick of people.

rant # 1: everybody in my office feels sorry for this girl we work with. Her husband was cheating on her with his brother's wife. she kicked his sorry ass out of the house, and now he is living with the brother and the wife. now, is it just me, or is there something seriously wrong with this pic? can we say kentucky red neck? anyway, moving on. so, the girl is having a really hard time. she has no education, teenage kids, and she is living in a trailer. she works at a job that pretty much sucks. all the ladies in my department keep trying to cheer her up, and they want us all to take her for a girl's night out. you know what? i have no sympathy for this girl. not even an ounce. in fact, when they all start talking about her, it makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. let me explain. it's not that my heart doesn't go out to anyone who is going through this situation. but this girl has been such a hateful, nasty miserable person to be around as long as i have worked there (which is november) and presumably even before that. she just isn't nice. i am of the opinion that it doesn't matter what you have going on in our life, you should just be nice to other people. i have yet to meet somebody who doesn't have some kind of shit going on in their lives. if having shit going on in your life was the qualification for being mean to people, then there would be no nice people in the world. karen mackenzie said it, and i believe it. people should be nice. nice should be the norm. enough said.

rant # 2: i had a minor epithany this morning. i have very few friends in my life who are close to my age and have never been married. the one friend in particular causes me just a little bit of frustration. it dawned on me that there is this very self-centered mentality in a person who has reached a certain age and never been married. oh, if you asked them, they would think they are very generous and giving people, but it really is not true. they become so wrapped up in their own lives, and everything that happens to them is such a big deal because they only have themself to worry about. i am sure i am like that to a certain degree. i think what seperates me from some of the other single people i know is that i have people in my life outside of my family. the only real family i have left is my brother and sister-in-law so i have had to create my own family. the closest people in my life are part of my extended family. i've had people like my dad that i've been responsible for and taken care of. and most importantly, i have cats. there is just something about being responsible for another living being that makes a huge impact on your life and your priorties. of course, i think a lot of it is personality as well. it's not in my personality to be totally selfish. oh, i have my moments, but i think overall, i really try not to be. i guess that's what makes me a good nurse.

rant # 3: omg omg omg. has the world truly gone ass over elbows, or is it just the people i have had the misfortune of meeting? okay so the crazy woman i used to be friends with... let's just call her ginger. i have not talked to her in probably two months. it was well before i went on vacation. she hasn't even tried to call me in weeks. anyway, i get this call yesterday from a lady i used to go to church with. long story short, she needs someone to sit with her mom 8 hours/day once she starts back to school in august. apparently, ginger had given her my cell phone number and had volunteered my services for the job. ginger informed her that i worked from home, and i could go wherever i wanted to. what? what.the.fuck? WHAT.THE.FUCK? okay, i do have a full-time job. i may work from home, but i still have responsibilites to that job. second, i HATE it when somebody gives out my cell phone number without asking for my permission first. third, i hate to be volunteered for something i don't want to do. anybody who knows me at all knows this about me. obviosuly, giner is clinically insane. what i can't figure out is what is going through her brain process? does she still not realize that i am done with her? or did she do this just for shits and giggles. i give up.

rant # 4: missy and i came to the conclusion that the primary problem with the people in my life is they are from kentucky. we both tried to figure out what was going on. am i just a magnet for the insane? is it the particular group of people i have chosen to surround myself with? at first we thought it was because most of the people in my life have been church people, and there is just a certain level of crazy involved with these people. but that can't be the only reason. i have worked with several groups of crazy women, the current group i work with is pretty unfortunate, and these are not church people. missy just hit it on the nose. it's kentucky. there is just this certain level of redneck mentality here that doesn't go away. i thought about all of the close people in my life like the hugh waters or dan and lorraine. i met a terrific group of people out in california. all of these people live in another state. the only close people in my life who are from this area are my brother and sister-in-law. since i don't plan on staying in this state, at least there is some hope that the next batch of people i encounter might have a little potential for some meaningful relationships. i don't know that i could do much worse.

okay, enough ranting. since this post has been filled with a lot of negative things, here are some of the things i am thankful for:

*my brother's assessment that the pink paint for the RIP richard heater suite is cat-color-coordinated.

*almost two weeks of me working in the office has passed and hopefully only two more to go.

*season 8 knots landing. phil the tard kidnapper. spy ben and the brow. paige. poor sweet beautiful pitiful mack. good stuff.

*jordan's take on season 8 knots: if karen mackenzie had her wits about her, she probably could have taken phil down using only her words.

*gas is down to $3.67. hoorah!

*headphones and good music at work.

*large diet cokes from mcd's in the mornings.

okay, it's not along list, but it's enough for me for tonight to feel that all is truly right with the world.

i wear my pj's until noon

it's been a nice saturday spent running errands most of the day. here's my day in a nut shell:

*got a southern fried chicken sandwich and large diet coke from mcd's. this is how every morning of my week has started. i swear, the mcd's around the corner from me is getting worse and worse. today they had no diet coke. no diet coke! that is my whole reason for going int he first place! most days, the service is so slow, i have to end up leaving to go to another mcd's. blows. why has the whole customer service world gone ass over elbows? that's another whole rant and blog.

*took madeline to the vet. she has managed to lick all the fur off her underneath and has made a little sore. she is now on 30 days of anthistamines and 7 days of antibiotics. i am sure she is allergic to something in this allergy -infested house. the carpet needs to go. my gawd, what was mary heater thinking with purple carpet in the t.v. room, teal carpet in the back bedroom, and bue carpert throughout the rest of the house? actually, i have to take credit for the teal carpet.... but hey, that was really cool 15 years go! i cringe when i think of the gorgeous-make-you-want-to-sleep-your-mama hardwood floors covered by such hideous carpet.

*went to the library and picked up my books and dvd's and CD on hold. hooray for mame and julie harris!

*went to the grocery. hoorday for chicken and fish on sale! hooray for peanut butter and celery sticks! hooray for strawberries $2 for $5! why have i said hooray! so many times in this post??

*made a side trip to wal-mart to get kitty food and essentials. the cats are totally digging the chicken and gravy recipe.

*talked briefly to missy about the current events in our lives.

*got my hair done and chatted nonsense with my hairdresser. oh, and i almost left my mame playbill in there. oh.my.god.

*got my nails done by quite possible the strangest and weirdest little man ever. i seriously was so irritated because he kept getting up and doing everything but finishing my nails. pam h almost got up and walked out, but i held my cool, and order was restored to the world and my nails.

*got a footlong from subway. yum!

*came home to read for awhile and ended up taking a nice long snooze. i hate this quality about myself. i have always been this way. anytime i try to sit down and watch t.v. or read for any length of time, i get sleepy. my mother was the same way, and so is my brother. sucks sucks sucks.

*woke up, fed my crazy cats, changed water, and cleaned out litter boxes.

i love saturdays. i love lazy sundays even more. tomorrow i don't plan to get out of my pj's until noon. i am going to laze around with cats and good books all morning (hopefully i will get all of my sleep out of me tonight!). i'll even head for my daily diet coke in my pj's. life is sweet.

damn straight i do

i am planted firmly on the path of figuring out exactly who i am and what i believe. overall, i feel pretty good about things. i know i have a long way to go, but i have made some real progress. i am not as afraid as i used to be about the questions i have and am feeling even more at ease with my response to it all. anyway, i check out rob brezsny's site from time to time just for shits and giggles. i'm not an astrology buff, but i do find his site interesting. i stumbled across this a few weeks ago and have been waiting for a good opportunity to post it:

If you're typical, your natural curiosity was virtually extinguished at an early age by mediocre teachers, boring lessons, and oppressive classrooms. Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if your imagination hadn't been squelched? What interesting adventures might you have sought out if your natural love of learning hadn't been crushed? Let's launch a quest to undo the damage. Imagine I've handed you an undiploma: your official release from the soul-death of your formal education; the beginning of the healing of your wounded love of learning. What's the first thing you'll do to invoke a steady stream of inspired teachers and invigorating lessons?


it's funny, when we came across this, a lot of these same questions had already been going through my mind. i often wonder what might have been. i think if i had not been so scared when i was younger to take risks because i was so insulated in my immediate surroundings, my life would have had a much different path.

i used to love to write stories. i had (and still do) a wonderful imagination, and i was getting fairly good at putting these down on paper. i remember as a child i had a list of books (complete with titles) that i was going to write. i had all sorts of characters and story ideas in my head. some of them made them down to paper, and some of them never did. but i lost it somehow. for whatever reason, i didn't pursue it. maybe it was fear that i wasn't talented enough. who knows. but i let enough time pass and never let it develop, and i feel like it is something i lost forever. sad.

i can remember i wanted to be a teacher and go back and teach at the school i graduated from (it was a small christian school). every career day, i was there in my standard teacher attire. even my freshman year of college, i still had that in the back of my mind as something i wanted to do but was an undecided major. again, i think fear was a major factor in holding me back. i didn't feel like i could do it. i also worried that i could not make enough money as a teacher. worried about money. that has been something that has followed me around over the years. who knows, maybe i inherited it from my mind, because money always seemed to be something she worried about. she would say she wanted to leave my dad, but didn't think financially she could stand on her own. i can't tell you how tired i became of listening to that. point it, no child should give up on their dreams because of money. yet, i gave up mine.

maybe i would have been an actress. i loved acting when i was in school. i can remember being the narrator for a play in first grade. i had not gone to kindergarden because it wasn't required in those days. when i entered school, i was not able to read. by christmas, i was narrating the play. there were few opportunities for any type of performing where i went to school (again, small christian school. we couldn't even dance at prom. but that's another story). i still fully took advantage of any opportunity i had. secretly, i had dreamed of being on stage. childish dream. again, i didn't believe in myself. are you sensing a pattern here?

oh, there were other dreams. i thought i might be a meterologist. or an astronaut. i ended up being a nurse. that's not a bad thing. it has afforded me a lot of wonderful opportunities. i still can't help but wonder sometimes what might have happened if i had followed my dreams. if i had found something to do that i absolutely loved. if i had read more, been less afraid, and just followed my dreams with reckless abandon. what if. i guess everybody can always ask that question in their lives. and then i come back to that old everything happens for a reason.

i guess if i have learned anything at all, it is to be interested in everything, learn as much about everything as i can, and not let fear be the deciding factor in my lunch. i was sitting at lunch yesterday with the girls i work with. something came up about music. i was talking about jack johnson and nobody at the table (including my friend who is close to my age) had heard of him. my friend piped up (not meaning anything bad by it, but just thinking she was being funny) said oh yeah, pam, she likes weird stuff. she likes all those 80's shows. i thought about it for the rest of the afternoon, and i came to this conclusion. damn straight i like 80's shows. and damn straight i like jack johnson. and damn straight i like all the things i do. it's what makes me who i am and what keeps me an interesting girl. if i am weird for liking 80's shows, then i know 2 people in ohio who are just as weird as i am. and if liking jack johnson is weird, well there's some more weirdness in ohio that shares that love with me. my point to this whole rant is that this is from a girl who lives in that same insulated world that i lived in for so long. she differs from me in that she doesn't want to learn anything else. in her world, there is a certain way to live, and a certain kind of things to be interested in. i am not criticizing her. i am just stating a fact. i am just of the opinion that there is a whole vast world waiting out there for me. i have let it pass me by for too long. i'm ready to take it by its horns, and i don't make any apologies for it. and if i have found a little help along the way from my 80's shows, well there you go.

be damn grateful and have a good damn time

as i write, cats are chasing each other through the house, and one is being a little bit bitchy. typical evening in the hester household. i was slightly abused by the gang earlier as i was not quick enough in getting their dinner together. i tell ya, it is so hard to be a cat sometimes. it's sometime even harder to be their servant.

today was a good day. not a great day but not too bad either. it definitely improved after some slightly tense moments this morning in which i had to let my boss know just exactly how i felt in that direct-slightly-bitchy-don't-fucking-mess-with-me pam hester kind of way. it usually comes as a shock to most people (especially people i work with) when i have to be firm because i am usually so sweet and easy to get along with (god, i sound nauseating). but i will use my stern voice if needed. this morning it was needed. i got my way, and order has been restored to the world.

today is the one year anniversary of the death of richard heater. he died at 12:01 am. i actually think of the 20th as being the anniversary because that is the day i spent in the hospital with him and made the decision to change his code status to a DNR and held his hand until the life left his body. Honestly, I never really thought about it yesterday until late in the afternoon. even then, i did not dwell on it. it has crossed my mind several times today, but i haven't felt any sadness. i have not shed any tears. maybe i should feel bad about saying that about my own father, but i just feel this peace when i think about him being gone. i know that he is in a btter place, and we are both finally free from the misery he inflicted. when i think about it like that, i don't feel any need to be sad.

it actually seems longer than a year. so much has happened since then. i was still in california. i can so vividly remember getting the call that his heart had stopped, and they had revived him. at first, it did not hit me. i mean, richard heater had knocked at death's door many times before, and somehow he always managed to escape its clutches at the very last minute. by morning, as i was making the decision whether to fly home or not, i just knew this time was different. i knew his time was up. i was sad, i cried, i wished it hadn't ended the way it did, but then i moved past it pretty quickly. it's funny how many fewer regrets i had with him than i did when my mom died. i knew i had done the best i could when he was alive, and now a higher power had taken over.

i can remember the very moment he died. only my brother, my pastor friend from church, my friend amy, and another friend (remember the one i am now not speaking to?) stayed with him until the very end. i can tell you the exact moment the life left his face. i didn't realize what i was seeing at first. i cannot explain it in words that really describe that moment and that feeling. there was just an eerie peace about it all. somehow, it was almost an honor to be present with someone in their last moments. it seemed almost as much of a miracle as a birth. in that one instant, i understood that death is a natural part of our journey, just as natural as life itself, and it is almost a beautiful experience. hard to explain.

when i look at the grand scheme of things, i really am in a good place. i've learned after losing both of my parents that life is fleeting. i know it sounds corny, but it really is important to make the most of each moment you have. i've quoted mack mackenzie in my blog before, and i'll quote him again. you spend the time you can with the people you can... you don't look ahead... you don't look back... and you be damn grateful for the time you have together. my father didn't live this way. he died a lonely, broken old man, and that really is the saddest part of it all for me. it's even sadder than the idea of him being gone. i want better for myself. i want to love deeply and live life to the fullest and to not look back and have any regrets when my journey is over. i think that is all anybody can really ask for.

a little rough around the edges

missy said it in her blog yesterday, and it is my motto in life. all things happen for a reason. i tell you, when things happen in my life, i always get confirmation that was the way it was supposed to happen, and today was no exception.

i talked some weeks back about the friend i had to cut out out of my life. remember i was eating the chicken nuggets, and i had this whole epiphany that she had to go? anyway, i haven't written much about it since then because it hasn't been worth my time to talk about. i just talked to missy about this the other day. what does it say that i six weeks after a falling out, i don't miss a person that i was friends with for over twenty years? that's not me. i treasure friendships, and i feel it deeply with the loss of one. not this friendship. i just knew in the pit of my heart it was the right thing to me. but i am getting away from the point of the post.

i found out today this person quit her job of over thirty years. the details don't matter. what matters is that i instantly had confirmation that i had done the right thing at the right time. i can't explain it. i mean, her quitting her job has nothing to do with me, but somehow i just was glad i got out of the relationship when i did. i would not have wanted to have been caught up in all that insanity and asked to take sides. i got out, in my own terms, and i salvaged the other relationships that had also been tied to this one. it was a good feeling.

the phrase everything happens for a reason has been running through my mind off and on all week. i was contemplating this morning about writing about that. i am thinking about monday being the one year anniversary of my father's death. his death is just another example of how everything happens for a reason in my life. i had been wanting to get away from him for years. i had talked over and over again about wanting to pack up everything and move out to california. i had never had the nerve to do it until one day i actually did. my father died 7 months later. somehow when i left here, i had the feeling that was going to happen. i just keep thinking that i left at the right time. i wasn't supposed to be living here when he died. i was supposed to be establishing my own independence somewhere else. he had relationships he needed to mend. it had to happen exactly when it did and the way it did. i am a firm believer of that and because of that, i have no regrets.

i was supposed to have my cats. i had no intention of staying in KY past january when i first came home. if i hadn't stayed, i wouldn't have gotten my cats. if my father hadn't died, and i hadn't been in this house, i wouldn't have gotten the cats. it just works out for a reason. it may seem like a crazy thing to be part of some greater plan in the scheme of life, but that's just the way it is.

i could go on and and on about the things that have happened in my life. call it god, call it fate, call it a grand master plan. i just believe that things happen in our lives for a reason. sometimes they are to make us stronger. they are all kinds of different reasons. i just believe it all somehow works itself out in the end.

it's amazing to me that after thinking about how things have turned out that i still worry as much as i do. i swear, it is a serious character flaw. i worry about where i am going to move. i worry about working in the office and when i am going to be able to start working from home again. i worry about taking care of my cats. the list goes on. history tells me i shouldn't worry. i'll get it figured out somehow. if i don't, the right thing will just be forced to knock me in the head. that's usally the way it works for me.

oh well, i have waxed philosophical enough for on evening. i am going to lounge in my favorite chair and watch a little knots. i am going to keep an eye on my cat who is extremely pissed (and now just a little drowsy) that i gave her some benadryl. i am going to take comfort that good things in store because they usually are. even if they are a little rough around the edges.

a cry for help

i randomly found out today that my cat's eating wallpaper from the walls is a cry for attention.

he must need a lot of attention. he is working on that wallpaper all hours of the night. he has one specific place in mind. unfortunately, that place happens to be right beside my head. just as i doze back off into a sound sleep, i am abruptly aroused by the sound of a cat clawing at the wall. does yelling at him help? no. does removing him from that spot help? no. does banishing him from the bed to the floor help? no. nothing like having a kitten with a wallpaper fetish.

it's been a quiet week around here. the cats have rarely left my side since i have gotten back from vacation. madeline has been stalking me most of today. as i write, she has found her spot behind the recliner so she can be close to me. at least she's not eating wallpaper so i will take what i can get.

i am transitioning my clan over to moist food. i have never seen happier cats. you would think i had given them a new lease on life. costello can barely contain his excitement until i can get the can open and the food in his bowl for consumption. they finish every last bite of their food. they give a new meaning to the phrase lick their plates clean.

i have a list of goals to start next week. i gave myself the rest of this week to be in vacation mode, but next week it is back to being a responsible adult. at the top is going back on the wagon with my diet. it pains me to say it, but daily mcd's southern fried chicken sandwiches are not exactly the right choice for a long and healthy life. i am going to start writing in my journal again every day. i am going to finish the stack of books that is setting beside my bed. i am going to seriously start researching places i may potentially want to live. i also made a list of long range goals, but i'll save that for another blog. it is just nice to have some plans in mind.

i have no big plans for the weekend. devestating news: i have to purchase jewel quest solitaire if i want to continue playing it. such heartbreak. i need to straighten up the house and get some laundry done before i go back to work. i need to go to the grocery store (first step to getting back out on the wagon: having good food in the house). i am going to the zoo tomorrow with my friend angela and her kids. i definitely see a knots and dallas marathon somewhere on my horizon. oh, and i might even watch a little dark shadows. my brother gave me a dvd complete with 40 episodes. i have never seen the show before so it should make for a little mindless fun this weekend. mindless fun is always a good thing.

nobody does it like me

any weekend that ends with me saying michele lee signed an autograph for me while polishing off her cupcake is a keeper.

hugh and i went to see mame in pittsburgh on saturday. i have to hand it to michele. she sure does have nerve. at 33 years old, even i would not dare to come down a staircase wearing 18 inch stilettos. i would be sure to break every last bone in my body. it would be an episode of pam right now: pam falls down a staircase. but michele has more grace and better balance and better legs than me. i would hate her if she weren't so darn nice. also, i seriously admire her skills of balancing signing an autograph for us and never missing a beat while eating her cupcake. what a dame. we almost had another episode of pam right now on the way home: the one where pam and hugh get lost in pittsburgh. good times.

i officially go back to work full time monday. yeah, it sucks. i really enjoy being at home and having my time. i don't like the idea of being confined in an office and having somebody watch over my shoulder all day. oh well. gotta make a living somehow, and my theory in life is that things can always be worse.

i started on season 9 dallas today. yep, it's that season. the one that never happened. it's funny, all these years after it originally aired, i can see where this season had some potential. and then bobby stepped out of the shower.

monday will be the one year anniversary of richard heater's death. honestly, i really am not sure how i feel about that. i don't have any thoughts one way or the other. i remember how hard it was for me to get through the one year anniversary of my mother's death. i don't feel the same this time around. i guess it's a little sad, but i can honestly say i don't miss my dad. i think he's better off, and i'm better off. i think my life can go in a whole different direction now that he is gone. the cats have taken over his room and his house so all is well with the world.

i have just started seriously looking online of places i might be interested in moving to. where to go? los angeles? boston? baltimore? houston? dallas? decisions. decisions. i feel like i'm a pretty good place. i mean, i haven't decided where i am going, but the choice is mine. that's a really good state of mind to be in.

i can't be too pithy or philosophical this evening. frankly, i am too lazy. i just got back from vacation, and i am still feeling a little in vacation mode. plus, i really met michele lee this weekend, and all is just right with the world.

pet owners prefer mccain over obama and other tidbits for the day

apparently people just have way too much time on their hands.

ever so often, i will catch a glimpse of a headline that just amuses me. things that make me wonder how people ever come up with this shit. or why they even care. then i stumbled across this one today, and i instantly knew i had to blog about it.

in my experience, this is not a true statement. you could not find any more dedicated cat owners than me, my brother, and the hugh water gang. we have 8 cats among us. i seriously refer to my cats as my children, and my brother makes homemade food for his. they have a baby stroller to take the gang out for walks, and gatsby sleeps in his own cradle. they are that much a part of our family and our lives. that being said, you will not find one in the bunch that will vote for mccain. it would be like sacrilege or something. i honestly think the cats may find another place to live if we voted for mccain. they might move to canada or something. they certainly would not find as fit to continue to be their parents.

on to other news. here is further proof that pam h just knows shit. remember the wedding where i was supposed to be maid of honor? does anyone remember me predicting the wedding would never happen? and was i right? of course i was because that is just how i roll.

i was talking to one of my friend's today. she is very religious. she is not so much of a church goer, but she is a die hard fundamentalist. i tell you, it is hard for me to talk to these people anymore. i think the reason it is hard is that i used to be one of those people. i can only imagine what other people must have thought of me when i came off with some of this stuff. it is a testament to how much my friends love me that they endured this.

i know i really sound cynical about church and church people. well, i am. it's not that i don't believe in god or having a spiritual foundation in your life. nor do i think that going to church is inherently bad. it's just that now that i am away from church, the whole fundamentalist teaching just drives me insane. i also feel that people use fundamentalist teachings to justify bad behavior. here is an example: a former friend of mine told me that god told her a long time ago to not make plans. what? not make plans? that idea is jusy foreign to me. you could never depend on her to do anything because of course she doesn't make plans. god didn't share that with me so as being a person who does make plans, the relationship was always very frustrating for me. i feel like she was using god as an excuse to be a rude person. i just don't believe god operates that way.

oh well, that is the end of my mini rant for the day. if ii started down the church road, i could go on for hours. i'll save it for another blog. i am concerned about myself that i am seriously addicted to jewel quest solitaire. i should feel guilty. but not today. tomorrow i will be a productive member of society. i promise.

sometimes all you need is a little perspective

today has sucked, and it is not even 1:00.

i just learned my cushy job working from home is about to end. at least temporarily. the thought of spending ten hours a day stuck in cube hell with people i really do not like is just not appealing to me. i would much prefer to spend time with my cats. oh well. things could be much worse. and hopefully it will just be temporary. it is times like this that the serenity prayer really helps.

because i am feeling quite cranky and unsettled at this moment, i decided to not wallow anymore and think of all the things that are good about my life right now and the things i am thankful for. here's my list:

*going to see mame with hugh water this weekend. what am awesome opportunity!! by the end of this year, i will have gotten to see my list of people that i wanted to see in this lifetime. pretty cool.

*my new laptop which can actually perform more than one action without spontaneously combusting.

*the dreary day today. this is the kind of day that is perfect for snuggling under a blanket with a lot of cats and watching t.v. which is precisely what i plan to do in a little while.

*my friends. i have done some weeding and have finally gotten myself in a good place with the current people i have in my life. i have gotten rid of all the dysfunction, and new applicants need not apply.

*my chair. i have never had a chair of my own before, and i love it. it is there waiting for me every day. i think there is something to be said in life about having a chair.

*living in the flight path of the airport. i know that sounds really crazy, but i love watching the planes come in. i will stop whatever i am doing to watch . i like to imagine where the people onboard might be going. i can't explain it, but there is something so fascinating about planes to me. maybe it represents a type of freedom. who knows. but i am still crazy asss scared of helicopters. that started in me as a child, and i have never been able to shake it. irrational, i know, but there it is.

*the freedom to live anyplace in this country (or world for that matter) i want and know i will have a job. that is the cool thing about being a nurse. unfortunately, there will always be sick people, but it does mean i will always be employed.

*diet coke runs from mcd's. i had forgotten how much i had missed them. seriosuly, there is nothing better in this world. southern fried chicken sandwiches just add to the joy.

*my grey pair of sweat pants i currently have on. there is nothing like a pair of sweatpants to bring out the schlub in me.

*cats who refuse to leave my side since i have gotten home. i seriously think costello may have lost his mind if i had not finally let him snuggle in the chair with me last night. the cats have just taken over the house, and i love every minute of it.

*my car which gets such good gas mileage especially since gas is now $4.26 in certain parts of the city (namely in the area where my office is).

*jewel quest solitaire. seriously, it sucks you in and kills hours of time. but it is all good fun.

*the tuscan bean dish i make. it is yummy and filling all at the same time.

*knots landing videos to help cope with stress. there just isn't anything any better.

*coming upon the one year anniversary of my dad's death and being okay with the way things turned out. i am not sad or anything. maybe just a little contemplative. in a good way.

*no less than 1500 pictures to remind me of the kick ass vacation i just returned from. it's nice to have a visual reminder of how well we all clean up.

that's all for now. i am feeling a little better about things. sometimes i just need a little perspective. and of course a diet coke.

heaven or hell? you decide.

i am suffering from caffeine withdrawal.

of course i am. i drank no less than 575 diet cokes this past week after going almost 6 weeks with minimal caffeine intake. my body is in serious revolt from all the crap i put into it this week. but it was all well worth it. i was on vacation with my favorite people in the history of the world, and we had a good damn time. hugh water graduated from nursing school, and i was so happy and excited for her, i cried a little bit. in preparation for the trip, we drank a lot of mudslides and watched a lot of knots landing. all trips should begin this way.

i love random trips the most. missy and i had been planning this vacation for at least 6 weeks, but we left room for the random. our trip took us from ohio to west virginia (home of david selby!) and to pennsylvania (home of the pens!). we spent a lot of time in the car just enjoying the scenery and listening to good music. we drank a lot of diet cokes. we fell in love with gino's pizza and tudor's buscuit world. we visitied old family land and cemeteries. we checked out the new river gorge in the rain. we drove to mellon arena. we listened to judith sing "i'm all i've got". you just can't plan for this kind of stuff, and it was wonderful.

my faith in humanity was restored this past week. i must admit, i have developed a rather cynical view of the world. maybe it is because i have dealt with some of its evil inhabitants. my list of evil people and jill bennett keeps growing. but this week taught me that for every evil person in this world, for every person who puts themselves above others, there is a millie. millie just offered to pay for my friend's nursing school education. yep, that's right. she's paying for it, and she doesn't expect anything in return. it sounds sappy, i know, but the world would be better off if there were more millies. i have faith there are more like her out there. someplace in this world.

file this away under you can't make this shit up. i was driving back from best buy yesterday, and there was a guy sitting on the corner with a sign saying heaven or hell. you decide. not only did he have the sign, but he was yelling into a fog horn. i could not make out what he was saying, and i really did not feel like sticking around to find out. it's ironic to me the things that annoy me now that i don't go to church anymore. and this irritated the hell (pardon the pun) out of me. it also brought up the same old questions in me that don't have any answers. i mean, really, who would make conscious choice to go to hell? the idea of hell just doesn't seem fair to me. i mean, should i have a better chance of escaping hell because i just so happened to pass the man with the sign yesterday and made my choice? and what about the people who weren't driving past the sign. should they be destined to hell because they didn't have the same opportunity i did? it just doesn't make any sense to me.

i think we can make a choice between heaven and hell right here, right now, in our own lives. i don't think it has to refer to a literal place. i know many people who are going through a lot of hell , and yet they have chosen to make the best of things. they see the beauty of checking out bridges in the rain. they try to make the world a better place, one person at a time. they give of themselves freely and willingly. i think the choice should come down to what we do with the time we are here and not just to escape eternal damnation. as a wise soul one said "you spend the time you can with the people you can. you don't look ahead. you don't look back. and you be damn grateful for the time you have together." i believe that by investing our time in the people and things we love, we can bring a little bit of heaven here to earth.

no more waxing philosophical for the day. i need to catch up on laundry and maybe consider going to get some caffeine. i am going to enjoy my new computer and look forward to seeing michele lee in mame next weekend. i am going to watch a little more season 5 knots. there's just no place like home and schlubby saturdays.