wow. wow. wow. it has ben almost a month since i have blogged. it is not that i have not had anything interesting going in my life, it is just that i have not taken the time to sit down and write about it (aka pamh is a schlub). anyway, here are my thoughts on what is left of this gorgeous september sunday afternoon:
*i had a birthday party for the boys last weekend. it was their first birthday! my friends angela and crystal and their kids came loaded with toys. it was a fun day. i think the true mark of a friend is one who comes to a party for cats and does not make fun. i gave the girls "thank you" cards from the kitties today. fun times.
*follow the train of thought here: remember the friend who i hung up on months and months ago and decided to cut out of my life? well, i saw her today. it proves that i have amazing timing because i went to my friend's church for the dedication of their new building this morning. i ran right into her coming in and going out. she wouldn't even look at me. and you know what? i don't care.
*rick watts has been painting the RIP richard hester suite, and it looks AMAZING! good call on the pink paint. i think the house is starting to look better than it ever has and frankly, that is just a little sad.
*two weeks from today i will be meeting my 80's lover patrick duffy and my hero larry hagman (well, maybe hero is not eactly the right word, but i do love him an awful lot). it is just so good to be me.
* i have been a cooking fool. in the last several weeks, i have made fettucine alfredo, beef stroganoff, veggie soup, chili, and a veggie rice casserole. i won't go as far to say that my cooking is really all that good, but i am working on it!
yesterday was the five year anniversary of my mother's death. it looks weird to even write that. i mean, it really does feel like it has been that long. in some ways, it actually feels like it has been longer. the day ended up feeling more like a milestone for me than it was sad. i made it! when i first got that call that my mom was gone, i just never thought i would be happy again. in a lot of respects, i just felt like my life was over. but i'm still here, and i'm doing okay. i think 5 years is a good time to reflect on how much my life has changed. a LOT has happened. here are just some of the things that have happened:
*i finally laid richard hester to rest. for so long after my mom died, i tried my hardest to keep my dad alive. i look at that statement and just realize how off-balance that sentence sounds. nobody can keep someone else alive (not if they don't want to be kept alive) yet i drained myself trying to do so. that was part of my dysfunction. but he's gone, and that's really all i have to say about it. i am not angry, but i am also not going to be a hypocrite and say i miss him.
*i went to california and back. i don't know i would have ever done that if my mother had been around. i will go on record saying i think that was one of the single best decisions i ever made in my life. i broke out of a mold, got to go to a beautiful place, made some kick ass friends that i will keep forever, and proved that i can take care of myself. man, that is a good feeling.
*i adopted not one not two but three heathen cats who now roam the hester estate. they have changed my life so much, and it has just a big thing for me to be in charge of taking care of another human being (at least on a daily basis). for all of you out there who want to call me the crazy cat woman, well fuck you. there. i said it.
*i ended two of the most damaging relationships i have ever had in my life. it wasn't easy, i shed a lot of tears, and i wasted a lot of hours talking about it, but i did it. i can't say i am happy with the way i handled the demise of either relationship, but i am glad i did it. i learned a lot about myself. i learned that i am not good at just speaking up for myself. i let things go too far, and then things end on a bad note. i guess if there is one lesson i have learned from all of this, it is to be myself, not make any apologies for it, and never have someone in my life ever again who is not encouraging and who is just not nice.
*i stopped going to church. wow, that statement looks a little weird too! i mean, i still love god, but i just don't miss church. five years ago, i could never have seen that happening. i couldn't have even seen it happening two years ago. but it is all part of the process of me learning to stand on my own two feet and figure out what i believe for myself.
*i have grown much closer to my brother and sister-in-law. i would not trade that for anything in the world. i learned that a lot of what had been standing in the way for so long was my parents. i'm glad to have the reverend in my life. he is the only other person alive in this world who has lived with my parents and lived to tell the tale. oh, and he's pretty cool too, so that's a pretty worthy goal for me to ascribe to.
* i started watching knots landing again. knots was such a huge part of my teenage/college years, and it was just wonderful to renew my love for it, and find some new fans to share it with me. for those of you who don't already know, season 2 is being released on dvd sometime next year. buy it. buy it. buy it! trust me on this one. you will be a better person for it.
*i realized that having a few close friends in your life is a lot better than having a lot of nonsense friends. good friendships are hard to find, and i have been fortunate that i have found some of the best in the world. of course, i had to go through some of the worst to get there, so there you go.
i know there is more i could write, but i am going to stop there. i just feel like i have reached yet another important point in my life, and i'm doing okay with it. i'm a pretty strong gal, and i feel pretty confident i can handle whatever is thrown me way in the future.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
life and death through the eyes of an animal
this is my second blog for today. i had an experience that just touched my heart so much this afternoon that i wanted to write about it. i went to pick up costello from the vet. he was post-enema, post-hissy-fit-at-the-vet, now sort of chilled in a drunken stupor. i watched various animals being brought back to their owners, and i oohed and aahed over every one of them. as i was waiting for costello to be brought out, i struck up a conversation with a woman who was waiting for her pet. or maybe she struck up a conversation with me. at any rate, she started to tell me about her black poodle. the woman was 66 years old, and her poodle was 14. the poodle now had a heart murmur and cataracts. she was going to get a round of diurectics today, and then in a few weeks, she was going to have her cataract removed. she was the sweetest little dog, laying snuggled against her owner's shoulder. i could tell how much this woman loved that dog.
she told me that she had already started making arrangements for when she would have to put her dog down because she knew time could be short. she had decided on a pet cemetery. she had a friend who had buried one of her pets there. she said you could bury them with their blankets and their toys. she said you could even get a headstone, but she was not sure how much that would cost. i told her about my brother losing his cat, and how they had all three of their departed pet's ashes in a box with their picture. she said she just couldn't do that because she couldn't stand to look at it. tears welled up in both of our eyes.
the woman lived alone in a trailer. she had been divorced for 10 years. that dog was her companion. when she was younger, the dog would be waiting for her at the door every day when she came home. now that she was getting older, it was getting harder for her to get up and move around. she spoke of what wonderful company the dog was since she lived by herself.
i asked her if the dog was doing okay for now. she said "yes" and that she had her patched back together for the time being. she said as long as her illness was treatable, she would hang on. but when it came to the point that the dog was suffering, she would put her down. she stroked her fur lovingly as she spoke. she said that when the dog passed, she would not have any more pets. she said if she were younger, she would consider it. but being her age, she worried about not being able to get out and drive, and she didn't feel like she could take on the responsibility of a young pet.
costello was brought out, and she looked at him for a minute. i started to talk to the vet, and then she took me through the store to show me where something was. when i got back to the counter, i felt like there was something more i wanted to say to the woman, but i was at a loss for words. i wished her the best of luck with her dog. i really wished i would have said more or been able to leave more of an impact on this woman's life.
as i was driving home, i started to pray for that dog. i could feel tears starting to well up in my eyes again as i prayed that god would heal that little dog, and that she would live for a long time. i pleaded with god not to take that dog away from that woman. i think god heard it, and i hope he answers my prayer. i would like to think that god has a soft spot for animals and for the people who love them.
just a few minutes ago, i looked down into the green eyes of costello who was wanting to get in the chair. frankly, he has been a huge pain in the ass since he has gotten home. he is still a little groggy, but that does not stop him from wanting to climb dangerously high. madeline has been hissy. costello is in rare form, chatting his little head off. every few minutes, i will hear his high-pitched meow. but more than they are a pain in my ass, i love these creatures. they have brought so much joy into my life. like that woman, i live by myself, and it just means the world to have my clan waiting at the door for me everytime i get home. i know there will come a day when they will all pass on, and i will have to deal with their loss. i hope it is a long time in coming. for now, i am going to enjoy every moment i have with them. i think animals are one of god's greatest gifts to us. i feel like animals are the mirror to the soul. you can tell so much about a person by how they treat an animal.
well, enough of that. i can hear somebody into something they are not supposed to be in...
she told me that she had already started making arrangements for when she would have to put her dog down because she knew time could be short. she had decided on a pet cemetery. she had a friend who had buried one of her pets there. she said you could bury them with their blankets and their toys. she said you could even get a headstone, but she was not sure how much that would cost. i told her about my brother losing his cat, and how they had all three of their departed pet's ashes in a box with their picture. she said she just couldn't do that because she couldn't stand to look at it. tears welled up in both of our eyes.
the woman lived alone in a trailer. she had been divorced for 10 years. that dog was her companion. when she was younger, the dog would be waiting for her at the door every day when she came home. now that she was getting older, it was getting harder for her to get up and move around. she spoke of what wonderful company the dog was since she lived by herself.
i asked her if the dog was doing okay for now. she said "yes" and that she had her patched back together for the time being. she said as long as her illness was treatable, she would hang on. but when it came to the point that the dog was suffering, she would put her down. she stroked her fur lovingly as she spoke. she said that when the dog passed, she would not have any more pets. she said if she were younger, she would consider it. but being her age, she worried about not being able to get out and drive, and she didn't feel like she could take on the responsibility of a young pet.
costello was brought out, and she looked at him for a minute. i started to talk to the vet, and then she took me through the store to show me where something was. when i got back to the counter, i felt like there was something more i wanted to say to the woman, but i was at a loss for words. i wished her the best of luck with her dog. i really wished i would have said more or been able to leave more of an impact on this woman's life.
as i was driving home, i started to pray for that dog. i could feel tears starting to well up in my eyes again as i prayed that god would heal that little dog, and that she would live for a long time. i pleaded with god not to take that dog away from that woman. i think god heard it, and i hope he answers my prayer. i would like to think that god has a soft spot for animals and for the people who love them.
just a few minutes ago, i looked down into the green eyes of costello who was wanting to get in the chair. frankly, he has been a huge pain in the ass since he has gotten home. he is still a little groggy, but that does not stop him from wanting to climb dangerously high. madeline has been hissy. costello is in rare form, chatting his little head off. every few minutes, i will hear his high-pitched meow. but more than they are a pain in my ass, i love these creatures. they have brought so much joy into my life. like that woman, i live by myself, and it just means the world to have my clan waiting at the door for me everytime i get home. i know there will come a day when they will all pass on, and i will have to deal with their loss. i hope it is a long time in coming. for now, i am going to enjoy every moment i have with them. i think animals are one of god's greatest gifts to us. i feel like animals are the mirror to the soul. you can tell so much about a person by how they treat an animal.
well, enough of that. i can hear somebody into something they are not supposed to be in...
irony is a bitch
as i am writing this blog, i am watching the movie 12 angry men. i have seen the play (twice!) but never the movie. i thought it was about time. i am all about the law this weekend. i just finished reading the book double jeopardy by bob hill. it is the story of the 1988 murder of brenda schaefer by her boyfriend mel ignatow. the murder took place right here in my very own hometown. i have been saying for years that i wanted to read it but just never made the time. ignatow finally died this past weekend, and it renewed my interest to read this book. the case was sensational. ignatow was clearly guilty, but a jury found him innocent. six months after the crime, the pictures and brenda's jewelry were found in the duct work of ignatow's old home proving without a doubt that he was guilty. because of "double jeopardy", ignatow could not be again tried for her murder. he ended up serving several years on a perjury charge only. the case was sensational, and there was outrage that justice had never been served. i actually met ignatow once. yeah, it is a pretty creepy feeling to be in the same room of a cold-blooded murderer, especially one that hid behind god and his forgivness to justify his actions. ignatow was found dead in his apartment last monday. he apparently had fallen on a glass table and bled to death. ironically, it was a glass table that he tied brenda to and tortured her. it may not be justice for what he did to that woman, but it sure does that for mel ignatow, irony sure is a bitch.
my little costello is at the vet today. to put it bluntly, his poor little colon is full of poo. he is going to get a sedative and an enema. poor baby! apparently, hairballs are the culprit of this insanity. it's the price he has to pay for having such beautiful fur.
i haven't been having any more dreams about my mother, but i did have a random one the other night that my father was in. strange. i did make a decision concerning the annivsersary of my mother's death this month. every year since she has died, my dad and i have put a memorial in the newspaper with her picture in it. i had planned on doing one again this year and using a pic of both my mom and dad. i knew my dad would be proud to have his pic in the paper with my mom. i have really struggled with the idea of what i would say about my dad. there was nothing i could say about him that would not come across as hypocritical. and as sad as it makes me think about leaving him out, it just doesn't seem right to run his picture in the newspaper when i think of the people who are still out there who are hurt by the decisions he made. i decided to not run the memorial this year for other one of them. i don't need a picture in the newspaper to remind me of my mom or my dad on that day. it's very sad, but in the end, it is the right thing to do.
i just started reading the harry potter series. seriously, i must be the last person in the universe who has read them. i am loving it! i am book #2, and i am just having a grand old time. i haven't watched t.v. in several weeks because i have been so busy reading (or ripping up carpet). it's a pleasant feeling to curl up with a book, a diet coke, and a lot of cats.
it's been a typical weekend: errands, laundry, and cleaning the house. in a few hours, i will go and pick up my little black boy. tonight, i am making a pot of chili. weekends just go by so fast.
that's my random sunday thoughts!
my little costello is at the vet today. to put it bluntly, his poor little colon is full of poo. he is going to get a sedative and an enema. poor baby! apparently, hairballs are the culprit of this insanity. it's the price he has to pay for having such beautiful fur.
i haven't been having any more dreams about my mother, but i did have a random one the other night that my father was in. strange. i did make a decision concerning the annivsersary of my mother's death this month. every year since she has died, my dad and i have put a memorial in the newspaper with her picture in it. i had planned on doing one again this year and using a pic of both my mom and dad. i knew my dad would be proud to have his pic in the paper with my mom. i have really struggled with the idea of what i would say about my dad. there was nothing i could say about him that would not come across as hypocritical. and as sad as it makes me think about leaving him out, it just doesn't seem right to run his picture in the newspaper when i think of the people who are still out there who are hurt by the decisions he made. i decided to not run the memorial this year for other one of them. i don't need a picture in the newspaper to remind me of my mom or my dad on that day. it's very sad, but in the end, it is the right thing to do.
i just started reading the harry potter series. seriously, i must be the last person in the universe who has read them. i am loving it! i am book #2, and i am just having a grand old time. i haven't watched t.v. in several weeks because i have been so busy reading (or ripping up carpet). it's a pleasant feeling to curl up with a book, a diet coke, and a lot of cats.
it's been a typical weekend: errands, laundry, and cleaning the house. in a few hours, i will go and pick up my little black boy. tonight, i am making a pot of chili. weekends just go by so fast.
that's my random sunday thoughts!
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