the sign in front of my apartment building advertises their goal is to be "free of sin and toil". pretty sweet if just an apartment could do that. frankly, i think the sign is a little creepy, but i really enjoy living here, so i just let it slide.
i am cranky today. i have no particular reason for being cranky other than i have just been really tired this week. work is going well. i was actually caught up enough this morning to work on some coding tests i have to take before i can officially become the coding queen. the lessons are not explanatory, and the tests are damn hard. it's awfully hard to sit down and work on these when sleepiness has already set in. i finally gave up and did my rounds over at the hospital instead. i am now home on a break am surrounded by three lazy, sound asleep kittens. i really do have the greatest cats ever.
i have been thinking about things (as i often do). i realized the other night as i was trying to get to sleep that i never really relax. even in my down time, my mind is always running. even when i am my schlubbiest, i am always thinking about someone or something or something i need to do or should be doing. maybe i am a little ADD, but seriously, i gotta learn how to relax. i am thinking about yoga.
i have also been thinking about the last six years of my life. i say the last six in years in particular because this has been the time the most life-changing upheavals occurred im my life. both my parents died, i moved to california (twice!), i stopped going to church, i made new friends, i lost friends, i renewed old relationships, i became BFF with three heathen cats, i voted democrat, i lived with lesbians, i got away from lesbians... and on and on. i realized that i am finally in a place where i feel comfortable in my own skin, and i could not have gotten here if i had not gone through each and every thing that i did. i feel like i am in a place that people usually go through younger in life. i am still trying new things and figuring out what fits for me. the good news, i am not afraid to do it anymore. i realize i can have my own opinion and like what i like it. it's just a good feeling.
i have been thinking about church lately. actually, i think about chuch and god and life a lot. i had this profound feeling one day that i had figured out the meaning of life. okay, i know people for thousands and maybe even millions of years have tried to figure out the very same thing, yet I, pamh think i have found the answer. i really am not that arrogant. i just think i have found the meaning of it for me. it's to be happy and to be useful. i have heard that phrase before, and i don't know where, but it has just stuck with me.
i think people can be useful in many different ways. whether it's pursuing what you love or being true to yourself or raising a family or writing or making music or taking care of animals or reaching out to somebody less fortunate than you or making relationships that last... whatever it is.... i think people can be useful in so many ways and make this world a better place. i think when we are happy, it's hard for that not to spread. i just think of the office environment i work in. the job could easily be stressful and many days it is. but i have tried to keep a postive attitude, and people keep commenting about the difference i have brought to that office. it makes me feel good, and it makes me feel useful.
as far as church, i still not in a place where i want to go back. i wouldn't rule out never going back because things and circumstances change, but that's just where i am right now. some of the sting has finally left. for awhile, i was almost of the opinion that religion was just bad news. i don't think that now. i don't think that church and religion in and of itself is a bad thing. one of my best friends and her husband pastor a church back home. they are doing a wonderful thing in the community where they pastor (they are being useful). even though there are some fundamental things i may not agree with them about anymore, i think they believe in what they are doing, and they are bringing hope to people who have otherwise lost it. that's a good thing. i think when people use religion and god to fit their own agenda, that's when it's not good.
i can say with a degree of certainty that if and when i do go back to church, it will not be in the same type of church i was raised in. the prosperity and faith healing movement is just not what i am looking for. i could see me in a smaller setting with a more structured environment. in at 11, out at 12. the messages are meaningful. i am giving back. that is what i would like for it to be.
that is when i had another epithany about myself. i am really not a spiritual person. i have really always been more of a religion person. you know, i have always done things because i feel like i should because of a religion and not because it is something i really want to do. i think that's how things have gotten messed up for me. i think i just have to find the balance in my life where religion and spiritually fit. all in all, i really feel good about where i am spiritually. i am no longer afraid to question what i believe and am certain that i don't have a first class ticket and front row seat booked in hell. that just takes a load off.
okay, enough waxing philosohical for the afternoon. it's back to work for me. i am going to try to clean off the rest of the things that have been living on my desk for far too long. tonight i am subbing for bunko, and it would be the greatest thing ever if i would actually win. happy hump day!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
if chocolate's not on the diet plan, it should be
the vet thinks i have a cool cat.
it's true. of all 3 cats, costello is really the lover. he likes to be held and scratched and even when he is somewhere unpleasant such as the vet, he still turns on the charm. he only has one flaw. he is just a pain in the ass. he can't sit still. i will be in bed or in the chair trying to read, and here he comes. he can't stand still long enough to get his attention and be done with it. he has to wander back and forth and throw himself down and make quite a production of it all. he's so damn cute, that's why i put up with it all. that is i will put up with it until 3 am, when every cat is banished from my room for unruly behavior. i don't think that's unreasonable.
okay, so i am going back on a diet. i got a glimpse of myself trying on clothes one day, and it was just horrifying. i need to get into shape and lose some of this weight from my stomach. i mean, it's not entirely about vanity. i am just of the opinion that someone who lives almost entirely on a diet of in and out burger cannot stay healthy for very long. so i'm biting the bullet and doing it! my goal is to get myself into better shape before bathing suit season gets here. i think that is a worthy goal.
i am heading down to LA this weekend. this is the first weekend in 3 weeks that it has not been raining, and i am taking full advantage of it. i have my eye on some bus tours of the city and the beaches, and there is one evening tour that really looks interesting. or i may just drive down to santa monica and hang out at the pier. decisions ,decisions.
i just started book 6 of the harry potter series. i spent almost all last weekend reading book 5. i am just hooked. the drama is building, and it's intense, but there is no turning back now. i love it. i have another whole pile of books i purchased at the library book sales. if i can ever get done with harry, maybe i will start reading something else. maybe.
i am looking at plane tickets home for the summer for $198 from LA to louisville, bitches. that is the best deal i have ever seen. my boss tells me there is a hotel on sepulveda close to the airport that will let you park your car there for free if you pay for 1 night's hotel at the beginning or the end of your vacation. they also provide free shuttle service to the airport. sounds pretty good to me athough i must admit the idea of flying out of LAX does make me hurt just a little.
i have now been sucked into the world that is reality television. in addition to reading harry last weekend, i also spent it watching hugh and his girl's next door and keeping up with the kardashians. i must admit, i found it a little disturbing that i enjoyed them so much. i was flipping through the channels last night, and it seems there are reality shows everywhere you look. some of them are just disturbingly bad. okay, they are all are pretty much disturbingly bad, but i am up for a little mindless fun every now and then.
my friend at work and i decided early this morning that today was going to be a chocolate day. in honor of breast cancer awareness, we decided we needed to do something that had pink and white in it. it is my job on the way back to pick up the candy. i'll tell you, chocolate is the only way to survive some thursday and friday afternoons (i wonder if i can plan a way to sneak it into my diet).
it's back to work for me!
it's true. of all 3 cats, costello is really the lover. he likes to be held and scratched and even when he is somewhere unpleasant such as the vet, he still turns on the charm. he only has one flaw. he is just a pain in the ass. he can't sit still. i will be in bed or in the chair trying to read, and here he comes. he can't stand still long enough to get his attention and be done with it. he has to wander back and forth and throw himself down and make quite a production of it all. he's so damn cute, that's why i put up with it all. that is i will put up with it until 3 am, when every cat is banished from my room for unruly behavior. i don't think that's unreasonable.
okay, so i am going back on a diet. i got a glimpse of myself trying on clothes one day, and it was just horrifying. i need to get into shape and lose some of this weight from my stomach. i mean, it's not entirely about vanity. i am just of the opinion that someone who lives almost entirely on a diet of in and out burger cannot stay healthy for very long. so i'm biting the bullet and doing it! my goal is to get myself into better shape before bathing suit season gets here. i think that is a worthy goal.
i am heading down to LA this weekend. this is the first weekend in 3 weeks that it has not been raining, and i am taking full advantage of it. i have my eye on some bus tours of the city and the beaches, and there is one evening tour that really looks interesting. or i may just drive down to santa monica and hang out at the pier. decisions ,decisions.
i just started book 6 of the harry potter series. i spent almost all last weekend reading book 5. i am just hooked. the drama is building, and it's intense, but there is no turning back now. i love it. i have another whole pile of books i purchased at the library book sales. if i can ever get done with harry, maybe i will start reading something else. maybe.
i am looking at plane tickets home for the summer for $198 from LA to louisville, bitches. that is the best deal i have ever seen. my boss tells me there is a hotel on sepulveda close to the airport that will let you park your car there for free if you pay for 1 night's hotel at the beginning or the end of your vacation. they also provide free shuttle service to the airport. sounds pretty good to me athough i must admit the idea of flying out of LAX does make me hurt just a little.
i have now been sucked into the world that is reality television. in addition to reading harry last weekend, i also spent it watching hugh and his girl's next door and keeping up with the kardashians. i must admit, i found it a little disturbing that i enjoyed them so much. i was flipping through the channels last night, and it seems there are reality shows everywhere you look. some of them are just disturbingly bad. okay, they are all are pretty much disturbingly bad, but i am up for a little mindless fun every now and then.
my friend at work and i decided early this morning that today was going to be a chocolate day. in honor of breast cancer awareness, we decided we needed to do something that had pink and white in it. it is my job on the way back to pick up the candy. i'll tell you, chocolate is the only way to survive some thursday and friday afternoons (i wonder if i can plan a way to sneak it into my diet).
it's back to work for me!
Friday, February 13, 2009
a part of your history
i felt like an old wound was picked at again today.
i won't write a boring post with all the gruesone details, but i had a relationship that went south many years ago. it was one of the hardest things i have ever gone through, but i came out on the other side as a better person, so things worked out. it's been so long, and i have talked about it so much, i really don't even hardly think about in anymore. it's like i thought it had lost all of its power to hurt me anymore.
and then there was facebook.
i am friends on facebook with this woman's son. i find facebook to be so much fun. i have reconnected with a lot of people from my past, and it's just been great seeing what everybody is up to now. i love coming home every night and seeing what new person i am going to find on there. today, my friend sent me a request with a link to his mom's page. and there she was in all of her glory. i realized there was still a piece of me that still holds on to this wound. anger. rage. infuriation. hurt. all those words come to mind. when i really think about it, it just hurts. i loved this person, and a part of me still does. she was so much fun, and i had looked up to her my whole entire life. it just makes me sad.
when all is said and done, i actually owe this woman a lot of thanks. that whole situation forever changed how i look at church people and relationships. i was knocked down a few notches, and i cannot honestly say that is a bad thing. i had people in a place they never asked or deserved to me. because of what happened, i also got to spend a year with my mom before she died, and i needed that time with her to make peace. i also made other wonderful relationships that i cherish to this day that i would not have made had i stayed in that situation. so it all worked out.
but it still just pisses me off.
so how did i handle it? i ignored the friend suggestion. i thought it would serve no good at this purpose in my life to have any kind of connection or relationship with this woman. we believe so fundamentally different on so many things that are so important to me, it would just piss me off on a daily basis to have her presence on my facebook. and, when i really think about it, it would be no good for her either. she has obviously made peace with her life, and i would not want to take that away from her by bringing up the past. i think the past is better left there, and i am a much different person now than i was at that time.
i guess what all boils down to for me is it's just sad. it's sad to me when someone is in your life for a period of time. you love them, you trust them, you have them in your home, and you just enjoy being with them. sometimes people just grow apart. other times, like in my situation, something tears the relationship apart. and then someone who was in your life now just becomes a part of your history. it's just sad. i have no other word for it.
all of this being said, i still feel pretty lucky. i mean, i have had some of the worst of the lot of friends and have allowed people to take some pretty good advantage of me. but i also have had some of the best of the lot, too. i am of the opinion that good friendships are becoming increasingly difficult to find, and i have several that i will cherish for a lifetime. so it all works out. if it took bad relationships to make me appreciate the good ones i have, it really was worth it all for me.
okay. end of rant. i'm home, and it's warm in here, and i have three snuggle buddies who are just dying to curl up with me as i read harry potter. i don't have to work for two whole days. i have dvd's to watch and books to read since the weather is too nasty to do anything outside. i have a road trip for next weekend to plan. all in all, life is pretty good.
i won't write a boring post with all the gruesone details, but i had a relationship that went south many years ago. it was one of the hardest things i have ever gone through, but i came out on the other side as a better person, so things worked out. it's been so long, and i have talked about it so much, i really don't even hardly think about in anymore. it's like i thought it had lost all of its power to hurt me anymore.
and then there was facebook.
i am friends on facebook with this woman's son. i find facebook to be so much fun. i have reconnected with a lot of people from my past, and it's just been great seeing what everybody is up to now. i love coming home every night and seeing what new person i am going to find on there. today, my friend sent me a request with a link to his mom's page. and there she was in all of her glory. i realized there was still a piece of me that still holds on to this wound. anger. rage. infuriation. hurt. all those words come to mind. when i really think about it, it just hurts. i loved this person, and a part of me still does. she was so much fun, and i had looked up to her my whole entire life. it just makes me sad.
when all is said and done, i actually owe this woman a lot of thanks. that whole situation forever changed how i look at church people and relationships. i was knocked down a few notches, and i cannot honestly say that is a bad thing. i had people in a place they never asked or deserved to me. because of what happened, i also got to spend a year with my mom before she died, and i needed that time with her to make peace. i also made other wonderful relationships that i cherish to this day that i would not have made had i stayed in that situation. so it all worked out.
but it still just pisses me off.
so how did i handle it? i ignored the friend suggestion. i thought it would serve no good at this purpose in my life to have any kind of connection or relationship with this woman. we believe so fundamentally different on so many things that are so important to me, it would just piss me off on a daily basis to have her presence on my facebook. and, when i really think about it, it would be no good for her either. she has obviously made peace with her life, and i would not want to take that away from her by bringing up the past. i think the past is better left there, and i am a much different person now than i was at that time.
i guess what all boils down to for me is it's just sad. it's sad to me when someone is in your life for a period of time. you love them, you trust them, you have them in your home, and you just enjoy being with them. sometimes people just grow apart. other times, like in my situation, something tears the relationship apart. and then someone who was in your life now just becomes a part of your history. it's just sad. i have no other word for it.
all of this being said, i still feel pretty lucky. i mean, i have had some of the worst of the lot of friends and have allowed people to take some pretty good advantage of me. but i also have had some of the best of the lot, too. i am of the opinion that good friendships are becoming increasingly difficult to find, and i have several that i will cherish for a lifetime. so it all works out. if it took bad relationships to make me appreciate the good ones i have, it really was worth it all for me.
okay. end of rant. i'm home, and it's warm in here, and i have three snuggle buddies who are just dying to curl up with me as i read harry potter. i don't have to work for two whole days. i have dvd's to watch and books to read since the weather is too nasty to do anything outside. i have a road trip for next weekend to plan. all in all, life is pretty good.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
i found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
here are my random updates:
*we moved offices several weeks ago. i now only work about 5 minutes from home (10 minutes if you include the diet coke run) which is absolutely the most beautiful thing that has happened to me in recent history. i am used to driving 30-40 minutes to work (depending in traffic) so 5 minutes just about feels like heaven. it's been a weird adjustment because i am so used to talking on the phone and listening to lots of music while i am am driving. now my phone is dead most of the time, and i have had the same CD in for awhile. but it's all good. i also have my own office complete with a window. granted, the view is not that great, but it's my own office! i have decorated it with pics of my "kiddos" and all of my fave people in the world (complete with larry on the corner of the cabinet to watch over the office). it's pretty cool.
*we moved offices several weeks ago. i now only work about 5 minutes from home (10 minutes if you include the diet coke run) which is absolutely the most beautiful thing that has happened to me in recent history. i am used to driving 30-40 minutes to work (depending in traffic) so 5 minutes just about feels like heaven. it's been a weird adjustment because i am so used to talking on the phone and listening to lots of music while i am am driving. now my phone is dead most of the time, and i have had the same CD in for awhile. but it's all good. i also have my own office complete with a window. granted, the view is not that great, but it's my own office! i have decorated it with pics of my "kiddos" and all of my fave people in the world (complete with larry on the corner of the cabinet to watch over the office). it's pretty cool.
*i have been sick for the last few days. i really think it is allergies, but i have this hacky cough. i swear to bob, i thought i had left the allergies behind in the great state of KY, but alas, it was not meant to be.
*my friend christian and i decided this week that i am running a drug ring for kittens out of my home. i laced the new cat bed with cat nip the other morning, and i watched the fun unfold. kittens high on cat nip is one of the greatest pleasures in life.
*i FINALLY placed an order for my birth certificate so in several weeks, i will be able to take my california driver's test and get my california plates. i still don't feel really "here" yet driving around with the KY plates. it will be a nice change.
*if those damn cats don't quit scratching the bedroom doors at the ass crack of dawn, i swear i am going to kill them all and bury them in gary's trunk. there. i said it.
* i finished season 10 dallas. it was wonderful! one of my favorite scenes of the whole series is in the last episode of the season. it was much better than i had remembered and may be one of my new favorite seasons. it was a little bittersweet because it is the last season with most ofthe original cast. the good news is that in april, i will have yet another new season on DVD to watch. HOORAY! also in april, season 2 of knots will be released. april is just going to be a good month all the way around.
*it's rainy here. it has been for the last several days. the weather service said last night there might even be some isolated tornados. TORNADOS! in california! also, there is a potential for waterspouts. i was so excited that i told my boss i wanted to go storm chasing for waterspouts.
we couldn't really figure out a good way to do that short of just sitting and staring at the ocean and hoping one will appear in that spot.
*side note: i have one beautiful yet slightly pissy cat who is snuggling in the new leopard print kitty bed and is starting straight at me. i think she is trying to channel something to me, but i just have not figured out what it is yet!
*i am thinking about taking a photography class.
*my brother sent me pics of the massive snow/ice storm from back home. according to the news, it is one of the worst natural disasters KY has ever had. of course, every natural disaster is the worst one KY has ever had, but this one appears to be really bad. my brother had some damage, and i know people have been without power for over a week. one man died from carbon monoxide posioning after sleeping with a grill in his apartment. anyway, i had a moment where i was really sad when i looked at the old homestead. i'm not really homesick at all, but it did bring up some emotions.
*i have spent far too much mind space concerned with the bowel patterns of cats. that's all i am going to say about that.
*today is the library book sale! books for a quarter. it just doesn't get much better than that.
*side note: i have one beautiful yet slightly pissy cat who is snuggling in the new leopard print kitty bed and is starting straight at me. i think she is trying to channel something to me, but i just have not figured out what it is yet!
*i am thinking about taking a photography class.
*my brother sent me pics of the massive snow/ice storm from back home. according to the news, it is one of the worst natural disasters KY has ever had. of course, every natural disaster is the worst one KY has ever had, but this one appears to be really bad. my brother had some damage, and i know people have been without power for over a week. one man died from carbon monoxide posioning after sleeping with a grill in his apartment. anyway, i had a moment where i was really sad when i looked at the old homestead. i'm not really homesick at all, but it did bring up some emotions.
*i have spent far too much mind space concerned with the bowel patterns of cats. that's all i am going to say about that.
*today is the library book sale! books for a quarter. it just doesn't get much better than that.
*another side note: the same cat who was just staring at me is now so sleepy that she can barely hold her eyes open. i just find cats so fascinating. when i stare into those little eyes, i just wonder what's going through their minds. i think at this moment, the only think going through madeline's mind is a nice good nap.
*speaking of cats, here is their path of destruction: someone has slashed my shower curtain right in the center (i am sure a chase through the house was involved in there somewhere), the two black heathens figured out how to climb into the bathroom cabinet and pull my headbands from the back of the drawer and march them through the house, and every time i walk through the house there is a cabinet open. i swear, the only reason they have survived this long is they are so damn adorbale.
*i saw the most beautiful rainbow on the way home from work the other night. it was so vivid and there was actually another lighter one close by. it was just amazing. i wish i could have gotten a picture. i thought about driving to see if there really was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. when i see sights like that, i think anything is possible.
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