here are the random tidbits in the brain of the P as march draws to a close:
~my swollen belly. my belly is not small to start with, but now it's officially bigger. i am going through my closet and trying to find all the clothes that do not require a belt. there's not that many.
~flat shoes. i am a high heel girl from way back but now that i have discovered the pure joy and comfort of flats, i may never go back.
~the last episode of ER is this thursday. end of an era.
~knots landing season 2 will be released on dvd next week. finally! buy every copy you can so they will keep releasing it.
~heathen cats who open ever fucking cabinet door in this house. i swear to bob, every afternoon when i come home, the cabinet doors are all standing open. fucker cats.
~california in the spring. i love this weather!
~i need to get my ass on the ball and send birthday gifts home to KY to my friend.
~the san juan bautista mission. i am going next weekend!
~a new summer wardrobe which i am hoping i will make a dent in obtaining when i go to gilroy next weekend!
~finding fun activities for the spring and being useful (like finally getting off my ass and volunteering for the animal shelter)
~passing my cali driver's test and getting my cali plates
~the apple tart from tha kick ass european bakery in SLO
~japanese food
~the thai elephant. best thai ever.
~a clean house. my house get so out of control when i was sick, and i am trying to not let it happen again.
~friends coming to see me!
that's all on this quiet monday evening!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
from the streets of kentucky
i think that all things considered, my madeline actually got the best end of the deal.
my friend found a cat in her house. somehow it had gotten inside the walls and would not come out. it was there for several days, and my friend could hear it meowing. she tried to lure it out with doggie treats. i was talking to her on the phone yesterday, and suddenly the cat was standing on her shoulder. it can't be any more than six months old. she said it is beautiful...a tortoiseshell... and looks much like my madeline. she instantly fell in love with it, and so did her daughter. the problem is her husand will not let her keep it. apparently, he had some trauma or something with a cat in a previous life and hates them. he insists they either find a home for it, or it goes to a shelter by monday. the problem in indiana is they have not been able to find a no kill shelter. with the economy woes, people have been dropping off their animals left and right, and my friend has it on good authority that any animals being dropped off now are being put down. they don't want to see the cat die so they are working feverishly to find it a home. so sad.
that's when i took a long hard look at my little slightly pissy madeline stretched out on the bed this morning. she's so lazy. i kept grabbing her back paw, and se kept giving me love bites. she was loving on her brother but decided she had enough of that and has now jumped down to wander the house. madeline was a stray. that's how she came to live with me. she came from the streets of kentucky and is now living the high life in california. she is the undisputed queen of this househould. not bad for a little alley cat. a true success story.
i am thinking about sushi for lunch today. i just want to get out of the house for awhile. it is too gorgeous outside. yesterday, i mostly stuck close to the house. i watched a lot of er and all the pretty men in ocean's 13. not a bad way to spend a saturday, but it really is just too pretty to be trapped indoors. i am feeling good today. i am still a little sore, but i have backed way off on the pain meds. i sat up for a large portion of the day yesterday and did fine. i guess it's back to normal around here.
there is a church around here i am thinking of trying out, maybe next weekend. it's a community church, a united church of christ. i checked out the web site, and it looks interesting. it looks like the kind of church that i said if i did go back to church, i would want to go back to. it looks to have programs to better the community and it is accepting to all kinds of people. it just has that feeling of being non-judgmental. i just don't know if i am ready to go back to church or not. i think there are pros and cons. i know i would like to get integrated into my community, and church is the only real way i know how to do that. i mean, i have made a lot of work friends, and i am now an official part on bunko, but i want to expand my circle. i know i don't have any desire to go back to the kind of church i was raised in yet there will always be a pull of god in my life. so where does church fit into this all? i really don't know. but i think it might be interesting to find out.
enough schlubbing. i need to get up and get showered and get moving. maybe i will take my book outside and read for awhile. happy sunday!
my friend found a cat in her house. somehow it had gotten inside the walls and would not come out. it was there for several days, and my friend could hear it meowing. she tried to lure it out with doggie treats. i was talking to her on the phone yesterday, and suddenly the cat was standing on her shoulder. it can't be any more than six months old. she said it is beautiful...a tortoiseshell... and looks much like my madeline. she instantly fell in love with it, and so did her daughter. the problem is her husand will not let her keep it. apparently, he had some trauma or something with a cat in a previous life and hates them. he insists they either find a home for it, or it goes to a shelter by monday. the problem in indiana is they have not been able to find a no kill shelter. with the economy woes, people have been dropping off their animals left and right, and my friend has it on good authority that any animals being dropped off now are being put down. they don't want to see the cat die so they are working feverishly to find it a home. so sad.
that's when i took a long hard look at my little slightly pissy madeline stretched out on the bed this morning. she's so lazy. i kept grabbing her back paw, and se kept giving me love bites. she was loving on her brother but decided she had enough of that and has now jumped down to wander the house. madeline was a stray. that's how she came to live with me. she came from the streets of kentucky and is now living the high life in california. she is the undisputed queen of this househould. not bad for a little alley cat. a true success story.
i am thinking about sushi for lunch today. i just want to get out of the house for awhile. it is too gorgeous outside. yesterday, i mostly stuck close to the house. i watched a lot of er and all the pretty men in ocean's 13. not a bad way to spend a saturday, but it really is just too pretty to be trapped indoors. i am feeling good today. i am still a little sore, but i have backed way off on the pain meds. i sat up for a large portion of the day yesterday and did fine. i guess it's back to normal around here.
there is a church around here i am thinking of trying out, maybe next weekend. it's a community church, a united church of christ. i checked out the web site, and it looks interesting. it looks like the kind of church that i said if i did go back to church, i would want to go back to. it looks to have programs to better the community and it is accepting to all kinds of people. it just has that feeling of being non-judgmental. i just don't know if i am ready to go back to church or not. i think there are pros and cons. i know i would like to get integrated into my community, and church is the only real way i know how to do that. i mean, i have made a lot of work friends, and i am now an official part on bunko, but i want to expand my circle. i know i don't have any desire to go back to the kind of church i was raised in yet there will always be a pull of god in my life. so where does church fit into this all? i really don't know. but i think it might be interesting to find out.
enough schlubbing. i need to get up and get showered and get moving. maybe i will take my book outside and read for awhile. happy sunday!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
spring fever
spring time has officially found its way to california.
it is absolutely beautiful outside. its one of those days i just want to be out with the windows rolled down and the music turned all the way up. i would love to be down at the beach, but i have had to settle for my chair. at least the chair is close to the window where i can look out.
i feel good today. almost really good. and even though i my belly is swollen and a little bruised and sore and one ovary down, i just feel good. i feel almost beautiful and sexy. i have on my best spring top, and my hair has been lightened, and i just feel light and airy. i love spring.
my surgery went well, much better than i thought it would. i have been sleeping a lot and sore but nothing unbearable. i have just been taking it easy. i have had the muchies like crazy. i had in out and burger the day of surgery and then again today. my friend michelle bought me this apple tart from a european bakery, and i had it scarfed down by yesterday. i have had to keep the cats from walking on my belly, but we have also had some good snuggles. i watched a lot of er yesterday. today i am watching the prettiest men in the movie industry. over all, it's a good saturday.
i am just glad to be on the other side of my surgery. now i can heal and figure out what the new normal is for my body. i have a shopping trip planned for next weekend. i plan on going back to work again on monday and settling back into that routine. i'm excited to have the spring wide open before me and lots of possibilities for adventures.
it is absolutely beautiful outside. its one of those days i just want to be out with the windows rolled down and the music turned all the way up. i would love to be down at the beach, but i have had to settle for my chair. at least the chair is close to the window where i can look out.
i feel good today. almost really good. and even though i my belly is swollen and a little bruised and sore and one ovary down, i just feel good. i feel almost beautiful and sexy. i have on my best spring top, and my hair has been lightened, and i just feel light and airy. i love spring.
my surgery went well, much better than i thought it would. i have been sleeping a lot and sore but nothing unbearable. i have just been taking it easy. i have had the muchies like crazy. i had in out and burger the day of surgery and then again today. my friend michelle bought me this apple tart from a european bakery, and i had it scarfed down by yesterday. i have had to keep the cats from walking on my belly, but we have also had some good snuggles. i watched a lot of er yesterday. today i am watching the prettiest men in the movie industry. over all, it's a good saturday.
i am just glad to be on the other side of my surgery. now i can heal and figure out what the new normal is for my body. i have a shopping trip planned for next weekend. i plan on going back to work again on monday and settling back into that routine. i'm excited to have the spring wide open before me and lots of possibilities for adventures.
Monday, March 23, 2009
monday blues and stuff
the jehovah's witnesses have me on the radar, and they aren't taking me off.
this is the second time i have left my apartment and have been greeted by the gang. they must be taking the sign that used to be in front of my apartment building "free from sin and toil" literally. they always greet me with "can i ask you a question?" and my immediate response is "not interested". i had tastee freez on the brain tonight so i was ready to roll out of here.
i love coming home in the afternoons and being greeted by cats. they are all usually lined up at the door waiting for me except today madeline was raking a snooze under the bed. it's a nice feeling to come home to them. they are always excited to see me, and excitement is always a good thing.
i am now officially a bunko girl. a spot opened up, and donna got me in like flynn. i feel so cool. it's the easiest and most fun game in the world. it's totally based on luck and not on talent so i am all about it.
i offiicially have white hair. not grey. solid white. i have about 1/2 inch on top from where my roots have grown out. it's a shocking sight when i look in the mirror. 34 years old, and i have white, wiry grey hair. thank gawd i have a hair appointment on wednesday.
i woke up cranky today and spent the better part of the day being bitchy. i just did not feel like getting out of bed this morning, and for a monday, this one especially sucked. i think maybe i'm a litle hormonal and anxious about my surgery. i hope i am in a better mood tomorrow. i will note that the carl's jr diet coke at the end of the day did help smooth things down a bit.
why did weird people love me? i was sitting in thai elephant today, minding my own business and trying to rdown my food. this man at the next table decided he wanted to strike up a conversation. now, it is loud in there, and i have to ask him to repeat himself every time he says something. and he just kept talking. i must have a friendly look about me. and today i was not feeling friendly at all.
off to finish uploading pics. i scanned a bunch of old pics tonight to share with my buddies on facebook. everybody gets a good laugh out of seeing the old pics. i will be ready to take to my bed soon after. happy what's-left-of-monday.
this is the second time i have left my apartment and have been greeted by the gang. they must be taking the sign that used to be in front of my apartment building "free from sin and toil" literally. they always greet me with "can i ask you a question?" and my immediate response is "not interested". i had tastee freez on the brain tonight so i was ready to roll out of here.
i love coming home in the afternoons and being greeted by cats. they are all usually lined up at the door waiting for me except today madeline was raking a snooze under the bed. it's a nice feeling to come home to them. they are always excited to see me, and excitement is always a good thing.
i am now officially a bunko girl. a spot opened up, and donna got me in like flynn. i feel so cool. it's the easiest and most fun game in the world. it's totally based on luck and not on talent so i am all about it.
i offiicially have white hair. not grey. solid white. i have about 1/2 inch on top from where my roots have grown out. it's a shocking sight when i look in the mirror. 34 years old, and i have white, wiry grey hair. thank gawd i have a hair appointment on wednesday.
i woke up cranky today and spent the better part of the day being bitchy. i just did not feel like getting out of bed this morning, and for a monday, this one especially sucked. i think maybe i'm a litle hormonal and anxious about my surgery. i hope i am in a better mood tomorrow. i will note that the carl's jr diet coke at the end of the day did help smooth things down a bit.
why did weird people love me? i was sitting in thai elephant today, minding my own business and trying to rdown my food. this man at the next table decided he wanted to strike up a conversation. now, it is loud in there, and i have to ask him to repeat himself every time he says something. and he just kept talking. i must have a friendly look about me. and today i was not feeling friendly at all.
off to finish uploading pics. i scanned a bunch of old pics tonight to share with my buddies on facebook. everybody gets a good laugh out of seeing the old pics. i will be ready to take to my bed soon after. happy what's-left-of-monday.
Friday, March 20, 2009
mixed emotions
spring time has officially arrived in the life of pamh.
the weather is absolutely gorgeous. it is the same weather that caused me to fall in love with this place when i was first here. it is 75 degrees with no humidity. the sun shines so bright, and the sky is so blue. there is just something about the california sky. it just seems brighter and clearer than anything i have ever seen. i guess that's what lack of smog will do for you.
i have a busy weekend planned. i am cleaning this disastrous house and doing massive amounts of laundry and filing my income taxes and maybe going to the beach before the rain hits again on sunday. it's just one of those weekends that it feels good to be alive and too pretty to stay indoors.
i have officially scheduled my surgery. i'm a little scared. actually, i am more emotional than anything. i am scared of losing a part of me and going through this alone. i wish i had someone who could be there with me. i just dread waking up and being alone and what i might be hear. i'm not so much worried about the surgery itself. i found some kick ass deals on plane tickets out here, but none of my friends have any money. oh well. things happen for a reason, and this is just one of those things i am going to have to go through on my own. i do have transportation lined up, and i have people i can call if i need anything. i have 3 heathen cats who will be waiting here for me to snuggle when i get back so all will be well.
i have gone through kind of a mix of emotions this week. i mean, part of me is in such a good mood because it is hard to be in a bad mood when it is so beautiful outside, but part of me just has this surgery in the back of my mind. i know that i won't feel totally at ease until it is all behind me. i came home last night and went to bed early. i have not even really been in the mood to watch my favorite shows. maybe i will feel better when i have a clean house again.
my little bear is sitting in the window as i write. i don't know what she is so fascinated with, but she could sit there for hours and stare. the boys must be asleep somewhere, because i haven't heard a peep out of them for a while. it was kind of sweet when i came home from the ER the first time, abbott sniffed all over my face and licked me just about my lips. he has never done that before and hasn't done it since. i guess he knew i really needed it. god bless cats. they are the greatest.
enough random thoughts for the evening. i should find the motivation to do something, but i doubt it will happen at this hour. happy friday!
the weather is absolutely gorgeous. it is the same weather that caused me to fall in love with this place when i was first here. it is 75 degrees with no humidity. the sun shines so bright, and the sky is so blue. there is just something about the california sky. it just seems brighter and clearer than anything i have ever seen. i guess that's what lack of smog will do for you.
i have a busy weekend planned. i am cleaning this disastrous house and doing massive amounts of laundry and filing my income taxes and maybe going to the beach before the rain hits again on sunday. it's just one of those weekends that it feels good to be alive and too pretty to stay indoors.
i have officially scheduled my surgery. i'm a little scared. actually, i am more emotional than anything. i am scared of losing a part of me and going through this alone. i wish i had someone who could be there with me. i just dread waking up and being alone and what i might be hear. i'm not so much worried about the surgery itself. i found some kick ass deals on plane tickets out here, but none of my friends have any money. oh well. things happen for a reason, and this is just one of those things i am going to have to go through on my own. i do have transportation lined up, and i have people i can call if i need anything. i have 3 heathen cats who will be waiting here for me to snuggle when i get back so all will be well.
i have gone through kind of a mix of emotions this week. i mean, part of me is in such a good mood because it is hard to be in a bad mood when it is so beautiful outside, but part of me just has this surgery in the back of my mind. i know that i won't feel totally at ease until it is all behind me. i came home last night and went to bed early. i have not even really been in the mood to watch my favorite shows. maybe i will feel better when i have a clean house again.
my little bear is sitting in the window as i write. i don't know what she is so fascinated with, but she could sit there for hours and stare. the boys must be asleep somewhere, because i haven't heard a peep out of them for a while. it was kind of sweet when i came home from the ER the first time, abbott sniffed all over my face and licked me just about my lips. he has never done that before and hasn't done it since. i guess he knew i really needed it. god bless cats. they are the greatest.
enough random thoughts for the evening. i should find the motivation to do something, but i doubt it will happen at this hour. happy friday!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
spring is in the air
you will never again hear me be a poster child for abstinence education. not that i really have been one in the last few years. but if i ever had a lingering thought that i might be again, it was all just shot to hell.
i had my appointment with the lady doc today. the lady doc who was a he. i must say, i liked him. i mean, it helps to like the person who has his hands stuck right there. he was pleasant and gentle and knew one of the congressmen from KY that i just voted for in november's election. we discussed the correct pronunciation of lou ah ville and random other things. it was all good. the verdict is i am having laproscopic surgery next week. he's taking out the mass on the ovary and then hunting around to see what other mischief he can find in there. he can't say with 100% certainty that it's not cancer, but judging by how good my labs looked, it is highly unlikely. i may have the mass removed, and i my end up having the whole ovary and tube removed. it all just depends. here's the kicker. judging from my age and the fact that i am not sexually active, the likelihood is pretty high this is endometriosis. i did my research. seems that when you are as old as me and your who ha hasn't seen sunshine for as long as mine hasn't, you are at higher risk for endometriosis and ovarian cancer. it kind of blows. and there it all is.
the cats are insane, the weather is gorgeous, i am eating again, i am not in pain, and i got a new outfit. there were a lot of good things about today. i'll just be pleased to have the surgery behind me. i have not had surgery since i was a little girl so i am a bit nervous. i am actually most concerned about missing more work and about getting a ride to and from the hospital. sucks to be alone but those are the breaks.
spring is in the air, and i have major spring fever. i already pulled out the capris and flats for work. i am having a hard time concentrating because i want to be out enjoying the sunshine. i am thankful for the drive baack and forth every day to the hospital. it's just nice to get out. i love this time of year.
oh well, it's time to clean litter boxes and fill water bowls and take off my makeup and maybe read for awhile. tomorrow is the head nurse's birthday. she doesn't know it yet, but her faithful sidekick is taking her out for chinese. i just pray my stomach lives to tell the story. happy hump day!
i had my appointment with the lady doc today. the lady doc who was a he. i must say, i liked him. i mean, it helps to like the person who has his hands stuck right there. he was pleasant and gentle and knew one of the congressmen from KY that i just voted for in november's election. we discussed the correct pronunciation of lou ah ville and random other things. it was all good. the verdict is i am having laproscopic surgery next week. he's taking out the mass on the ovary and then hunting around to see what other mischief he can find in there. he can't say with 100% certainty that it's not cancer, but judging by how good my labs looked, it is highly unlikely. i may have the mass removed, and i my end up having the whole ovary and tube removed. it all just depends. here's the kicker. judging from my age and the fact that i am not sexually active, the likelihood is pretty high this is endometriosis. i did my research. seems that when you are as old as me and your who ha hasn't seen sunshine for as long as mine hasn't, you are at higher risk for endometriosis and ovarian cancer. it kind of blows. and there it all is.
the cats are insane, the weather is gorgeous, i am eating again, i am not in pain, and i got a new outfit. there were a lot of good things about today. i'll just be pleased to have the surgery behind me. i have not had surgery since i was a little girl so i am a bit nervous. i am actually most concerned about missing more work and about getting a ride to and from the hospital. sucks to be alone but those are the breaks.
spring is in the air, and i have major spring fever. i already pulled out the capris and flats for work. i am having a hard time concentrating because i want to be out enjoying the sunshine. i am thankful for the drive baack and forth every day to the hospital. it's just nice to get out. i love this time of year.
oh well, it's time to clean litter boxes and fill water bowls and take off my makeup and maybe read for awhile. tomorrow is the head nurse's birthday. she doesn't know it yet, but her faithful sidekick is taking her out for chinese. i just pray my stomach lives to tell the story. happy hump day!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
our hope endures
i've been sick. as in viciously sick. as in, i was starting to wonder if i would ever not be sick again. as i have never been this sick in my life. and there it all is.
this whole insanity started about 2 weeks ago. i got up just not feeling good. i got ready for work, went in and got the morning schedules together, and then came home and took to my bed. thursday rolled around, and i was still ick. and then friday. and then saturday was my first swirl to the ER and 11 at night. i swear to bob, i had been watching too many ER episodes those first few days i was at home. i heard them paging a doc to trauma 1 for an MVA. i was a little happy. anyway, they did a cat scan, and i was waiting for the results. out of nowhere, the nurse informs me an endovaginal ultrasound is going to be performed. the tech informs me it is painless and goes in just like a tampon. okay, this thing was like 18 times bigger than a tampon and hurt like a mother. the little snot told me that most people don't have that much pain. well, i did, thank you very much, and it hurt like hell. diagnosis: complex vaginal cyst on the right, bilateral ovarian cysts. doctor gave me a script for vicodin and told me i should really have that complex cyst checked out because it could be cancer. this was at 4 am. thank gawd i was half drugged.
CANCER! there's a word for you. i was freaked out on sunday. i already had my funeral planned in my mind. i'm just like that. i tend to immediately assume the worst. i wanted the reverend to speak at the ceremony. just a private, intimate gathering of the closest people in my life. i decided cremation would be the best route. then everbody could fight over whose mantel i got to set on. or they could use me as fertilizer like petey. i was most concerned that my three kitties not be seperated. that was when i realized i was being a little crazy. one of my friends told me one time when i was trying to make a big decision to listen to my broccoli. so i took a step back, and i thought how do you feel at this moment. is this really cancer? i instantly knew it wasn't, and it was going to be okay. i didn't worry about it anymore. it was a good feeling to have that peace. it wasn't denial or anything. i just knew this wasn't my number being called. i got the results oy my lab work back yesterday that confirmed all is well in the body of PamH. so i guess i'll be sticking around awhile longer.
another really cool thing happened in the midst of all this. there is this lady who i knew from school. i have known her since first grade. she's a little odd but harmless odd. so for the last week or so, she has been calling and leaving me messages. in all the time i have known her, she has never done that. i finally returned the call one day. she said she had felt like for the last week she was supposed to pray for me, and she didn't know why. it was exactly one week since i had first gotten sick. i told her what was going on. she said didn't know if it was from god or what, but she had just been feeling like she should pray for me. so we prayed, and it made me feel pretty good. it's nice to know that your on god's radar. it restored some of the faith that i thought maybe i had lost. it's nice to know it's still there.
okay, so monday i am still sick. and tuesday. wednesday, i tried to go to work. wednesday night was the worst night of them all, and i ended up back in the ER on Wednesday morning. i was so frustrated that i just lay in that bed and cried. they took some poop samples and sent me home with pain killers. let me say vicodin=damn good stuff. i sucked it down like candy on thursday and friday and by saturday, i was actually feeling better. sunday i felt better enough to go shopping. i went back to work yesterday, and tonight i had a burger and fries. all seems to be well. now i just have to get through my appointment with the lady doc tomorrow. i hate that more than anything i have to do in my life so there you go.
not too much else going on. it just seems that being sick has just consumed everything. my house is an utter disaster, and i have lost the will to clean it. i need to file my taxes. i need to have my car serviced. i need a spring shopping spree. i need to get out of this house and enjoy the sun.
i have to add a little happy here. i watched ER last thursday night while i was high on vicodin. it's hard for me to sit and watch a full episode anymore, but this one was wonderful. it's just sad because it was like old school ER. if you are interested, here is a clip. it made me very happy.
i am signing off tonight with a song. i don't listen to very many "christian" songs anymore, but there are a few that just really get me. this is one of them. i stumbled across it on one of my friend's myspace pages. i think it just sums up where i have been in my life or at least the period after my mom died. but there's hope. that's what i feel tonight it's what i feel every time i look at the window or drive in this beautiful california weather. i feel it when i think about where i have come from. a lot of hope.
this whole insanity started about 2 weeks ago. i got up just not feeling good. i got ready for work, went in and got the morning schedules together, and then came home and took to my bed. thursday rolled around, and i was still ick. and then friday. and then saturday was my first swirl to the ER and 11 at night. i swear to bob, i had been watching too many ER episodes those first few days i was at home. i heard them paging a doc to trauma 1 for an MVA. i was a little happy. anyway, they did a cat scan, and i was waiting for the results. out of nowhere, the nurse informs me an endovaginal ultrasound is going to be performed. the tech informs me it is painless and goes in just like a tampon. okay, this thing was like 18 times bigger than a tampon and hurt like a mother. the little snot told me that most people don't have that much pain. well, i did, thank you very much, and it hurt like hell. diagnosis: complex vaginal cyst on the right, bilateral ovarian cysts. doctor gave me a script for vicodin and told me i should really have that complex cyst checked out because it could be cancer. this was at 4 am. thank gawd i was half drugged.
CANCER! there's a word for you. i was freaked out on sunday. i already had my funeral planned in my mind. i'm just like that. i tend to immediately assume the worst. i wanted the reverend to speak at the ceremony. just a private, intimate gathering of the closest people in my life. i decided cremation would be the best route. then everbody could fight over whose mantel i got to set on. or they could use me as fertilizer like petey. i was most concerned that my three kitties not be seperated. that was when i realized i was being a little crazy. one of my friends told me one time when i was trying to make a big decision to listen to my broccoli. so i took a step back, and i thought how do you feel at this moment. is this really cancer? i instantly knew it wasn't, and it was going to be okay. i didn't worry about it anymore. it was a good feeling to have that peace. it wasn't denial or anything. i just knew this wasn't my number being called. i got the results oy my lab work back yesterday that confirmed all is well in the body of PamH. so i guess i'll be sticking around awhile longer.
another really cool thing happened in the midst of all this. there is this lady who i knew from school. i have known her since first grade. she's a little odd but harmless odd. so for the last week or so, she has been calling and leaving me messages. in all the time i have known her, she has never done that. i finally returned the call one day. she said she had felt like for the last week she was supposed to pray for me, and she didn't know why. it was exactly one week since i had first gotten sick. i told her what was going on. she said didn't know if it was from god or what, but she had just been feeling like she should pray for me. so we prayed, and it made me feel pretty good. it's nice to know that your on god's radar. it restored some of the faith that i thought maybe i had lost. it's nice to know it's still there.
okay, so monday i am still sick. and tuesday. wednesday, i tried to go to work. wednesday night was the worst night of them all, and i ended up back in the ER on Wednesday morning. i was so frustrated that i just lay in that bed and cried. they took some poop samples and sent me home with pain killers. let me say vicodin=damn good stuff. i sucked it down like candy on thursday and friday and by saturday, i was actually feeling better. sunday i felt better enough to go shopping. i went back to work yesterday, and tonight i had a burger and fries. all seems to be well. now i just have to get through my appointment with the lady doc tomorrow. i hate that more than anything i have to do in my life so there you go.
not too much else going on. it just seems that being sick has just consumed everything. my house is an utter disaster, and i have lost the will to clean it. i need to file my taxes. i need to have my car serviced. i need a spring shopping spree. i need to get out of this house and enjoy the sun.
i have to add a little happy here. i watched ER last thursday night while i was high on vicodin. it's hard for me to sit and watch a full episode anymore, but this one was wonderful. it's just sad because it was like old school ER. if you are interested, here is a clip. it made me very happy.
i am signing off tonight with a song. i don't listen to very many "christian" songs anymore, but there are a few that just really get me. this is one of them. i stumbled across it on one of my friend's myspace pages. i think it just sums up where i have been in my life or at least the period after my mom died. but there's hope. that's what i feel tonight it's what i feel every time i look at the window or drive in this beautiful california weather. i feel it when i think about where i have come from. a lot of hope.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
as the rain beats against the windows
it is pouring down rain outside. actually, it has pretty much consistently rained here for the last five weeks. this is not a bad thing since we are so in need of it. i do love the sound of the rain beating against the windows. if i had to choose between the rain and cold-as-a-witches-titty weather like it is back home, i would take this. i wouldn't mind having a little thunderstorm to go with it. i guess that is asking too much.
i finished deathly hallows this weekend. i just sobbed. it was so sad and wonderful and ended just the way it should have. i can't believe it has taken me so long to jump on the harry band wagon, but i am actually glad i read them now. it's funny, harry and i shared a connection long ago. deathly hallows was released at exactly the same moment richard heater departed from this world. there must be something terribly poetic in that, but i am lacking the pith tonight to figure it out.
speaking of richard hester, his birthday would have been last week. #69. i never even thought about it until i looked at the date for someting at work, and i thought oh, well, it's daddy's birthday. and that was all. no tears, no prolonged ponderings about the meaning of life, nothing. i don't think about him much anymore. i mean, he was a part of my life for a long time, and now he's gone, and it's just a good thing. i dreamed about my mom last night. that was really weird because i haven't dreamed about her in ages. i just had stuff on my mind, and when i have lot going through it, sometimes mary heater pops into my dreams.
speaking of my parents, rob brezsny wrote several weeks back for sagittarrius:
a substantial fraction of the world's scientists are funded by the military. this saddens me. i wish we lived on a planet where most scientists were in service to peace and plenty, working to solve social and environmental problems. but corrupt exploitations of the scientific method are no excuse for me to banish it from my repertoire. i use it frequently. likewise, i draw tremendous inspiration from the life and teachings of christ, even though I don't belong to a christian church and am distraught about the devastation wrought by the fundamentalist mindset. would you consider applying this approach to your personal life, sagittarius? For example, maybe you could come to a new appreciation of your parents' gifts without losing sight of the ways they messed you up. or perhaps you could forgive your heroes for their slight lack of integrity, or borrow good ideas from a way of looking at the world that partly offends you.
i just thought it was interesting. it would be really easy for me to blame my parents for the fucked up things in my life. i mean, it would be really easy. but then i think about mary heater's laugh or even richard heater's goofiness, and i realize that some of the best pieces of them are in me. and then there were my heroes. i mean, sherry turned out to be a waste, george turned out to be a pain in the ass, and blah blah blah. but i learned how to see the world and myself and church and people a little differently through these relationships so it all worked it. that's my motto in life. if it all works out, no harm, no foul.
not too much going on this week. the kitties are fun and beautiful as ever. work is good. now if the rain would just beat against the windows like this all night, i could sleep like a baby.
i finished deathly hallows this weekend. i just sobbed. it was so sad and wonderful and ended just the way it should have. i can't believe it has taken me so long to jump on the harry band wagon, but i am actually glad i read them now. it's funny, harry and i shared a connection long ago. deathly hallows was released at exactly the same moment richard heater departed from this world. there must be something terribly poetic in that, but i am lacking the pith tonight to figure it out.
speaking of richard hester, his birthday would have been last week. #69. i never even thought about it until i looked at the date for someting at work, and i thought oh, well, it's daddy's birthday. and that was all. no tears, no prolonged ponderings about the meaning of life, nothing. i don't think about him much anymore. i mean, he was a part of my life for a long time, and now he's gone, and it's just a good thing. i dreamed about my mom last night. that was really weird because i haven't dreamed about her in ages. i just had stuff on my mind, and when i have lot going through it, sometimes mary heater pops into my dreams.
speaking of my parents, rob brezsny wrote several weeks back for sagittarrius:
a substantial fraction of the world's scientists are funded by the military. this saddens me. i wish we lived on a planet where most scientists were in service to peace and plenty, working to solve social and environmental problems. but corrupt exploitations of the scientific method are no excuse for me to banish it from my repertoire. i use it frequently. likewise, i draw tremendous inspiration from the life and teachings of christ, even though I don't belong to a christian church and am distraught about the devastation wrought by the fundamentalist mindset. would you consider applying this approach to your personal life, sagittarius? For example, maybe you could come to a new appreciation of your parents' gifts without losing sight of the ways they messed you up. or perhaps you could forgive your heroes for their slight lack of integrity, or borrow good ideas from a way of looking at the world that partly offends you.
i just thought it was interesting. it would be really easy for me to blame my parents for the fucked up things in my life. i mean, it would be really easy. but then i think about mary heater's laugh or even richard heater's goofiness, and i realize that some of the best pieces of them are in me. and then there were my heroes. i mean, sherry turned out to be a waste, george turned out to be a pain in the ass, and blah blah blah. but i learned how to see the world and myself and church and people a little differently through these relationships so it all worked it. that's my motto in life. if it all works out, no harm, no foul.
not too much going on this week. the kitties are fun and beautiful as ever. work is good. now if the rain would just beat against the windows like this all night, i could sleep like a baby.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
