this day in history

here's what happened in the world on july 21, 2007

*harry potter and the deathly hallows was released

*bush signed rules for CIA interrogators

*court ordered shell to delay drilling

*leg twitching was linked to genetics

*scientists discovered that fat might be the U.S. norm by 2015

*a 4.2 earthquake jolted the san francisco bay area

*richard hester permanently left this planet.

the anniversary of my father's death did not just sneak up on me like it did last year. it was halfway through the day last year before i even realized what day it was. this year, it has been on my mind for several weeks. i have several dreams about him. i couldn't tell you what they were about, but i just know he was there. i guess it's because that almost 2 years now after his death, i don't exactly where to put my feelings about that time in my life. i had an epithany about it all several weeks ago when i woke up in the middle of the night (this is when my best epithanies occur). part of my dysfunction with the whole richard hester ordeal is that i can't even tell you what i really feel about him. i know it's certainly not grief. i was sad for like a minute after he died, but then since then, i have not been able to muster up any grief for his departure. i would be hypocritical to say otherwise. there are very few good things i have to say about him and even after all this time, i don't talk about him without including some snarky remark. so i know for a fact that i don't miss him. i'm not sure that i actually hate him (although maybe i do). i think there is a part of me that feels guilty that i don't mourn the death of my father. i feel like i should because he was my dad or even because it would make him feel badly that i felt that way. i know that sounds a little insane and quite dysfunctional, but there it is. i know i have every reason in the world to feel the way i do. i just think i haven't allowed myself to feel the full weight of that anger towards him. maybe i needed this much time to pass to allow it all to sink it. and maybe i need to be back in therapy. actually, i know i need to be back in therapy, and that is the next step for me in getting the pieces of my life in order in this post richard hester world. i started therapy a few years ago, but i think part of the problem is i really didn't care for my therapist. also, i wasn't in a place where i was ready to with all the stuff i needed to deal with. after all, denial is my best friend. 2 years later, i realize i have to deal with it for my own survival and future happiness. so there you go.


i do smile a little when i think about the death and funeral and burial of richard hester. here are the highlights:

*hugh water: i can't believe you put up a picture of the damn bird

*random old friend guy: yeah, dickie stayed at my house, and the MP's had to come get him when he went AWOL

*alison missy cooper: the flag knows he went AWOL

*ingestion of a hershey bar on the way to the cemetery

*my concern that the strip club crowd might show up at the funeral and placing grubbs as a look out

*eleanor: which way to the body?

*george's amazing discovery that eleanor was jewish and discussing christians for jews or something like that

*richard harris and rick watts

*alison and deb sleeping in a strange boy's bed

*checking out the airplanes with missy and hugh

*going to my aunt's for food and my revelation that something seriously wrong with that kid.

*spending some time with the reverend and tammi

*borrowing jeremy's lexus and driving around in 90 degree weather with no air conditioning

*losing my luggage in dallas

*richard hester's final pain-in-the-ass act before leaving this world: shaking his head "yes" when asked if we were getting on his nerves


so there it is. i guess the saddest part of it all for me is that i wish things could have been different. it was such a waste of a life. i find it so sad that my dad could live such a life that once he was gone, it was like he was never even here. i mean, there is a lot of damage that was left behind, but nothing good that i could point to. i have so few good memories of him. i honestly can say that his death was one of the very best things that could have ever happened to me. i desperately don't want to live my life like that. i want to take care of the relationships i have and make a positive difference in those relationships and hope that when i am gone, there is a piece of me left behind in the people that i loves.

as i am sitting here finishing up this entry tonight, i realize that i do know exactly how i feel about him and just have never been able to admit it out loud. it's not hatred, and i think that is more because it's not really in my nature to hate. but he royally fucked over my life and a lot of other's peoples lives, so i am not going to sit here and feel bad because i don't feel any sorrow for his passing. i just have to figure out how to work through the scars in my own life and become a better person because of it.

the soundtrack of my life

has it really been a month since i blogged? it's not that there hasn't been anything going on in the life of P tester. i have had my highs and lows, good days and bad days. i just haven't been much in a blogging mood. i don't have much i really want to say tonight so i decided to write down some song titles. there are just some songs that i have heard that have just stuck with me. we'll just call them the soundtrack of my life. there are songs that fit specific periods in my life like caedmon's call faith my eyes (moving to california the first time) or songs that seem to every period like nickel creek's doubting thomas. with some of them, it might just be a few lines that just stick out to me. with others, i feel like the whole song could have been written just for me. if you listen to them, you might learn more about me. or you might just enjoy them because they are just damn good songs. happy monday!

in the silence by jason upton
you learn by alanis morisette
bring the rain by mercy me
in repair by john mayer
travelin thru by dolly parton
we'll meet again by johnny cash
reach for the sun the polyphonic spree
change by tracy chapman
tip of my heart by bebo norman
get out the map by indigo girls
crazy times by jars of clay
man in the mirror by michael jackson
what if by nichole nordeman
to know you by nichole nordeman
evacuating london narnia soundtrack (there's just something about this song that takes me back to a place of innocence, a place of happiness in my life. i find it hauntingly beautiful).
can't take it in by imogen heap
the wood song by the indigo girls
our hope endures by natalie grant
unwritten by natasha bedingfield
love alone by caedmon's call
much afraid by jars of clay
never alone by barlow girl
the real me by natalie grant
free by faith hill
gabriel and the vagabond by foy vance (again, there is just something hauntingly beautiful about this music that just touches a cord in me)
the living years mike and the mechanics
daughters by john mayer